happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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