1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
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WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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