I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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