And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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