I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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