The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i think i just lost a toe
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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