this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
