im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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