Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
