if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
