Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
