I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
