Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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