I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
