I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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