i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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