just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I understand Curling. That high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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