pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
