So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
