OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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