I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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