How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
