I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
