He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
