Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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