True but thats because hes a fetus.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
