He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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