one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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