What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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