It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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