i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
