I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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