I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
