So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
