The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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