shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
