Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
