when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
