Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
