I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
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masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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