I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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