Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
