Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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