How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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