You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
