A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
