the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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