i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
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When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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