flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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