If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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