We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
