There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
