Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
