Already got asked if we're dating
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
