If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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