This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
