Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
