dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
