haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
