she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
