went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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