Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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