My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
