Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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